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Recognizing my limits

It started sometime January this year when I decided that enough is enough. I did a quick and swift reality check and came to an absolute conclusion: I’m unhealthy.

I’m physically and mentally(not in a ‘gone bonkers’ way) unfit and in my current state, I’m unable to do many things. Well, I still am capable, not an invalid and I’m grateful for it but where I am at now is somewhere between either or neither. I’m approaching Mediocrity City. And it dawned to me that this ‘place’ is not where I want to be. No one wants to be labeled as mediocre. I sure as hell do not one to be categorized as one. To be called one. To be associated to one.

We have flaws, I have plenty of flaws. Some are obvious, some remained unknown to others. But that’s another story altogether.

So, upon this newfound discovery I promised myself to get healthy. Let me tell you, it is not an easy task. Not at all. I paid a heavy price to realize that a person’s body and mind can only take so much. I took up  a sign language class, enlisted as a volunteer in 3 NGO bodies, come June I will be enrolling in a Spanish language course (could have taken it earlier, but it overlaps with my SL class), rekindled my love for books (mostly non fiction now that I’m getting older), opened up blog accounts as an outlet for me to think out loud witchahout having to utilize my vocal chords and last but not least I convinced myself to follow the path of physical exercise. The latter was/is a mighty challenge to tackle, I kid you not.

I don’t know how and when I managed to weight as heavy as I am now. Okay, okay so I might know the reasons as to how I got to be this way, but still, how? It is easier to be in the state of deniability than to face the cold hard truth. I see myself feeling frustrated and amused whenever I see my own reflection. It is not self hatred, I do not hate myself, just my self control I suppose. For the past for (almost) four months I forced myself to do brisk walking that eventually led to jogging. I never missed a day, even if I did I will either do floor exercise at home or manage my food intake for the day. Even so,  the results that I got was not what I’d hoped for. To make it worse, I’ve developed searing pain on my knees, back and also occasional headaches. I was told that I was pushing myself too much, not knowing my limits. Therefore now, I’m living with the consequences. I can handle pain, but nagging pain is just as annoying as being nagged at. Even more so one could say. Now it seems that I have to go through a series of possible physiotherapy session to get my knees and back to a normal and healthy condition.

What a pain in the ass.

This is what I get for wanting to be better than I am now, than I was then. In hindsight though, I should have done things moderately. In my attempt to not be mediocre, I failed to differentiate what it is to be content with myself and what it is to be on the extreme side in searching of absolute contentment.

I know that nothing is absolute. I also know that I’m insatiable. But then again, aren’t we all?



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